Extending on Truths - Week 36

You would think because of my writings last week that I would have many praises to report, along with a detailed summary on my progressions in prayer. Truth is I’ve been moody and haven’t felt much interest in communication, or relationship at all. The days have been long, but annoyingly so, and I’ve focused only on the absence of my own greed. Not that my greed was absent because it’s rooted and grows. Without proper tending it consumes my mind and I’m led to distraction. Distraction that dulls and clouds all realities. Distraction that pollutes and distraction that kills. It’s my own self that keeps me from the majesties of Heaven and I wrestle with my sinful heart far more than I rejoice in the presence of Christ.

I wrote to a dear friend last night saying I’m tired and disappoint myself. I’m disgusted by the doubleness of my life and pray to seekingly abide. I’m lazy in my walk and profess more than I devote. While my light may seem bright the shadows lurk deep. I struggle with commitment and abuse Christ with my own actions. While I want nothing more than to be utterly in love with my Savior my thoughts shout that’s not enough and I weep for the brokenness of my own heart. I told her that I wasn’t sure why my mood had been silent for a few days or why I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. There’s a lie and a greed all in the above. 

The truth of me grieving for my own broken heart may seem helpless and relatable but the selfishness behind it furthers my disgust. I can weep more for myself than for those who are lost. I can become selfish in nature and angry because I’m not getting what I want when I want it. While this egocentric behavior isn’t always in bloom, it felt so this week and my prayers suffered because of it. There’s a lie in the way I mentioned my confusion in silence. I know why I’ve been withdrawn and why I’ve minimized my conversations. I know why I haven’t responded to some and told others I’d call. It’s because I’ve been numbing myself and walking in shadows.

A big struggle of mine is treating my body as a temple. I’m slothful in fitness and intoxicate unnecessarily. The fitness comes and goes. It’s a lovingly hateful relationship, and I quite enjoy both the act and result of when I’m partaking. Shhhh don’t tell me I said that. However, the toxic ingestion that my flesh lies to love, bothers my spirit and tempers my relationship. I presume on the forgiveness that our Father unhesitatingly gives, asking for a pardon while continuing to abuse. I wonder if these things, which take away from my sobriety, affect the nature of my relationship with Christ and I play upon the notion that we continue to refine. But how can I wonder when there’s already truth found in my previous sentence? It: “bothers my spirit and tempers my relationship.” I know that clouding my temple takes away from His Spirit. Even in science there’s proof of a chemical hindrance and an attitude suppressant, but I selfishly engage because I know He forgives me. I willingly create barriers because I know that it’s temporary and here’s where my earthly relationships are affected as well.

If I’m enjoyably doing something that negatively affects my relationship with Christ, of course I’m going to withdraw from sharing these truths with others. I’m going to superficially engage in conversation (which I’m never too fond of) and because I’m exhausted in energy from polluting my rest, I’ll choose secluded isolation over any size engagement. How retched.

I waver on the definition of right and wrong then wonder what harm can come from a brief desensitizing. Truth is I’m not clear on the greyness of this but with words like, toxic, hindrance, suppressant, and tempers, all being termed in unfavorable ways, I ask for our Lord to continue to help me. I fell to my knees and asked Him to remove these stones. Not trying to take on this posture, my legs buckled beneath me, my shoulders felt heavy. I was pushed to the ground as the weight of my selfish sorrows pummeled me easy and I wasn’t here long, but just long enough. Down in the fetal I poured out my anchors. I sat in a genuine position of helplessness, giving it over, asking He’d take it. Unfailingly quick, composure sat in, reminding me earnestly that I’m undeservingly loved. I’m loved in a way, which says I’m deserved, and promised His goodness through all of these battles.

Continuing to press, I’m thankful for Truth. I’m thankful for certainty and the ability to know. I’m thankful for reminders and examples of trust because life can confuse and judgments can cloud. I know that there’s always refreshment in the love of our Savior and that His mercies are habitually new. I know there’s always a hope for making it better and I pray for a dedication to transcend all routine. I ask for a normalcy in the way we communicate and I’m certain Your intentions are nothing but best. God, allow me to know what’s not pleasing to You. Define what You’d wish and give me a strengthened courage to live in that light. Fill me oh Lord so I’m beyond satisfied with You and set me on fire so I seek to glorify Truth. 

I ask that the remaining weeks of this project accomplish Your will Father. May they illuminate the reality of Your majesty and give attention to the beauty of Your life. Help me Jesus to engage more with You. Heighten the joy of being in presence so my heart ceases to rage in the turmoil of self. Continue the good work You’ve started in this and carry on to reveal more of Your power. Lord I pray to pray. Please help me surrender. Amen-