Reminded of Heart - Week 12
There was a mixed bag of events this week. I had days of trouble and days of joy, experiencing a wide range of emotions. These emotions I had were not limited to feelings of solitary, joy, sadness, anger, hilarity, or greed. After two weeks of what seemed like a continuous battle against the enemy, my spirit was ready to defeat. My thoughts were tired from running and my heart was tired of hurting. I had been caught in the middle of my own ponderings and stuck in a way that hindered my purpose… our purpose. However, when I reflect on what the good Lord did this week, I can see that by sharing my burdens, He relieved them.
A few trusted friends lent their ears to my pain. They grieved with me in the absurdity of life and shared their love with me. I found comfort in telling others about my weaknesses and found strength in asking them for theirs. There were many times this week when I asked someone to pray for me and while they responded ‘of course I will,’ I tirelessly asked them to pray then and there, to which they tenderly did. I can’t thank those people enough and I am oh so grateful to have a family of believers outside of my immediate one. I am fortunate to have those who inspire me, encourage me, help me (whether I ask for it or not), and even question me.
Some questions I got this week challenged me to think about what God revealed to me through recent hurtful experiences. Some questions were exploratory on their behalf, and other questions (though trying) allowed me to voice a calling of display. There were certain times when I was questioned on willingness to set my own happiness aside for another. There were curious thoughts as to why I would refrain from unloading certain truths in order to maintain a peaceful environment and in all honesty, I briefly wondered the same. I asked myself what was making me act in a way that could serve as an invitation for continuous pain. I was curious to why, even though I was fighting it every step of the way, I wanted to give up my own comfort to make others feel at ease. In response, I can only answer with this; it’s what we’re called to do.
If we really want to display the love of the Lord in our lives, especially to those who might now know the whole truth, we are called to live sacrificially. We are called to sacrifice our self, our feelings, our comfort, our “happiness,” and unconditionally love on others, as our Father has loved (does love) us. To expand on that point, I don’t think the “happiness” we’re called to sacrifice robs us of our joy. In fact, I think quite the opposite. I think the motivation for happiness and the continual pursuit of it, can be a very self-centered thing. It can leave us thinking about what we want, where to get it, and whom we can get it from. The center of all those thoughts is self and in those thoughts we can never be “happy.”
I think I mentioned before, that sacrifices can come in all forms and not all of them are easy to do. In fact, there was a point during these recent trials where I angrily cursed God. I audibly gave Him a big FU and was angry with what I felt He was asking me to do. In deciding to follow the leading of His Spirit (despite my stubbornness), God took my big FU and turned it into a bigger bless you. Bless the Lord oh my soul! Christ has allowed peace back into my life and while there were temporary moments of distress, temporary moments of tears, temporary moments of displeasure, I can confidently say that rejoicing won this week. I can confidently say that God cares about each one of us, hears our prayers, and never fails to be close.
The Lord and I still have some arguments. I still fail to understand all of His ways. I still take for granted the everyday gift of life He’s providing, wishing to be at home in His presence already, but I am excited about what He has in store for me here. It’s always an adventure. Some scary, some wondrous, some painful, and some so unbelievably surreal that I wouldn’t have believed them if I hadn’t seen them. For this I am thankful. I am thankful that each adventure brings more growth and that each adventure reveals more truth. God will always provide ways for us to trust Him more, He will always reveal Himself. We just have to open our eyes, our ears, our mouths, and our hearts if we want Him, but I think I forget that. I think I forget all too easily the amazing things God has done in, with, for, and through me. However, I also think that’s why I read the Word, why I attend church, and why I try to surround myself with like minded people with a love for Christ, because I need to be reminded.
It may feel weird to say I need to be reminded, but in this thought I am constantly pointed to the forgetfulness of the Israelites three days after God had led them through the Red Sea. They turned from the love they were shown in deliverance and worshipped their own belongings made into an idol. How much I am like those Israelites of long ago. How much I can relate to the wandering of the lost, but thank God I am found. Thank God for He has saved a wretch like me! My prayers have been steady this week, and while there are some answers I see in the works, I am going to continue to pray for those things in hopes to write to you about the glory of Christ. Until then, may “grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.” (2 Peter 1:2)