Truth in the Truth - Week 35
It was an interesting week to say the least. While the beginning was shaky and lots of temperaments were exposed, it ended in a reflective way that makes my heart sing. Christ is continuing to teach me. In giving Him moments of time this week, He has powerfully shown up, exposing truths about myself that I am trusting He’ll refine. I’ve noticed in myself, that as God gracefully answers prayers I seem to reluctantly fight against letting His miracles break through. Though I profess the desire to have a heart for Jesus and wanting to live fully in Him, I often stifle the work He’s willing to do in me for a variety of reasons I’m sure.
In asking to spend more time with the Lord, it felt like God slowed the days and allowed for more hours of nothing so I could dedicate those extras to Him. I wouldn’t say I did just that, but I certainly took advantage of a few despite my flesh being hesitant to do the same. I got to write a one-page letter to Christ thanking Him for the strength to do so and then, even after I stopped writing, fell quickly asleep sharing additional thoughts with Him about different people and present situations.
The next day my teacher asked me to open our class in prayer. What an honor I so begrudgingly obliged to. Not only did the professor request my opening but I also had a classmate seeking prayer who asked if I wouldn’t mind praying aloud for their petition. In that moment I cringed. I thought, of course you can ask me to pray for you but I don’t want to pray right now. I’m shaky in dialogue and feel awkward voicing a prayer. However, as I listened to the story behind this students request, those negative thoughts seemed to disappear and my mouth delighted in the words that I was privileged to utter. Opening my heart to God’s voice I left the thoughts of self behind only to get slightly nervous when I began to think of them again. Thankfully God’s power was bigger than my insecurities and allowed for me to finish a decent prayer before my mind could muddy it all up.
During this class I had two conversations that really put my life in perspective. The tragedy of lost infant life and the challenge of restarting your life at an older age without sufficient means to do so. In these conversations I was humbled by the peaceful joy that was still in tone. I was thankful for the mercies our Father has blessed me with and grateful for the addition of prayers I could offer up on behalf of another.
It was later in the week that I had a conversation about my faith that really puzzled me. I shared with this person the awful thoughts that try to sneak way in my mind. The thoughts that doubt my love for Christ, the truth of His existence, the credit to the claim, and my desire to live in His miraculous nature. These thoughts that annoyingly torment me, and the hesitation I have in spending time with God. I was questioned if those thoughts might be a reality I’ve not been willing to accept, if there might be something to the idea there’s no truth in believing. I paused for a moment. I gave serious thought to the posed question and laughed. Absolutely not, I replied. I’ve seen, heard, tasted, and touched the truth of the Living Christ.
I know there are many factors that play into the nature of our being and some of those factors are laziness, forgetfulness, impatience, and rationalism. It’s part of our nature for some reason to doubt, but I think one of those reasons (a big one) is so God can prove Himself to us time and time again. So He can do the impossible in our lives and remind us that He alone is the reason for life. His love for us is bigger than anything else and can fill a person with such a great exuberance that it can be hard to understand or weird to watch, and this is where I think it’s hard for me to surrender.
God has blessed me with an outgoing personality that relates easily to the broken pieces of a heart. He has not only allowed me to see, hear, taste, and touch the truth of the Living Christ, but He has also given me wisdom in the truth of His kingdom. He has logically gifted me to understand that Scriptures speak, the church is the body, and the body can hurt. I am eternally grateful for the unshakable foundation that is rooted in Jesus’ words when He says, “I Am,” but it’s hard to live in this because I feel like an introvert. I feel like the world is dark and corrupt. I feel like living with Jesus will make me some kind of weirdo and that I’ll be sacrificing things of this world that I feel I may want. I feel like relating makes me exhausted and that I’ve got nothing of importance to share but then I realize that these are just feelings and feeling can lie.
I’d like to come to a place where I don’t care what it seems like and where I’m not bothered to share the only thing I find of importance. I’d like to live on the highness of His Spirit and surpass the restraints I’ve placed on my life. I’d like to rejoice in His song and give glory on high to the consistency of His majesty and the gifts He is giving. I ask for my apathy to melt away, as my excitement increases, to give God the credit that He so fully deserves. May we draw closer to Him so He can draw closer to us (James 4:8a) and may we abandon our fears of self in the process. I ask for revival in discussion and peace in our hearts. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen!